A Simple Trip to the Grocery Store

My goal for the day was to go to the grocery.  I discovered yesterday that we were running out of everything, so I knew it was going to be an expensive day.  An expensive and time-consuming day.  With two kids.  My two kids.  "Oh well," I told myself.  "Stay-at-home moms do this all the time, I can do it!"  I am so wrong...

Let me start off by saying that I love my kids more than life itself.  I am honored to be their mother, and I thank God for allowing me to know what joys and hardships come from raising them.  For those of you who have a child (or two), you might understand what I'm getting ready to say.  For those of you who don't, I provide you with an insight into your future, or a glimpse of what you've avoided.

We went to breakfast, then arrived at Super Wal-Mart.  Anytime we need to buy a lot of household items, we go there to save money.  It's a double-edged sword, though.  You save money, but it takes twice as long as going to Kroger.  Upon entering the building, the first meltdown starts.  "I want this cart, Mommy!" says Lauren. Yes, it's the cart with two big plastic seats on the front of it.  The cart that is as long as Donald Trump's yacht.  The cart that usually knocks six items off the shelf per isle.  The cart that has a turning radius of 25 feet.  "No," I reply.  My answer comes from lessons I've learned in the past; getting the huge cart that they sit in for 2 minutes, and struggling to control it throughout the entire store.  Lauren decides that this is the worst injustice ever, and begins to cry.  Then, thinking that maybe I will have an easier time getting them to both sit in the cart (vs. running up and down the isles), I give in.  She's happy, Ben's happy-no wait-now there's a fight over which seat is his or hers.  I counter with just pushing the cart fast, hoping that the issue gets straightened out, or that one of them falls out.  ;)

We go to the opposite side of the store to get hygiene products (so convenient), which means we have to pass by the toys.  I give a time limit of 5 minutes.  We walk through the toys, Ben sees 10,000 things he "needs," Lauren stands by the bicycles crying 'cause she wants to ride one around the store and can't understand why I won't let her.  Her power move is to stand in one spot and cry, as if she won't move until she gets her way.  We eventually move on, after several dirty looks from the Wal-Mart staff.

Off to the food section!  The kids decide they've had enough of the cart and take off on foot.  Ben is arguing with me about buying watermelon-flavored yogurt, while Lauren bolts down the isle, nearly running into an old man's cart.  Another dirty look.  As I call Lauren's name, Ben puts the yogurt in the cart, hoping I won't notice.  I take it out, explaining that he's bought that yogurt before, and didn't like it.  I substitute another flavor, instruct the kids to get back into the cart, and head out.  Another fight over who sits where erupts, I assign seats, and we move on.  This repeats for about another 20 isles or so, until we get close to the front of the store.

About 2 isles from the front of the store, Ben decides he has to go to the bathroom.  He lets me know by putting his hand over his crotch and yelling, "Oooh, I have to pee, Mommy!"  Lauren, never to be outdone, puts her hand over her crotch and repeats.  We make a trip to the bathroom (conveniently located at the front of the store, right next to the video game area).  We head back to food section, and Lauren escapes from the cart and bolts for the front of the store.  Ben decides it's his job to corral her and chases after her.  This, of course, seems like the best game in the world to Lauren, who runs straight into the video game area.  I watch, in awe, at my son smiling & waving to me from the area, "We're up here, Mommy!"  I walk up to them, and give Ben the "death stare."  He appears slightly concerned.  Lauren is on a motorcycle game, and has apparently lost her hearing, 'cause she has no response when I tell her to "come here this instant."  

I finally make it through the store, and head to the checkout lane.  The elderly clerk is carefully scanning every item and placing it in it's appropriate bag.  The kids have picked up every toy at the checkout, and are fighting over an Etch-A-Sketch.  The clerk says, "Did your Mommy say you could have that?"  I explain that they are just playing with them until I'm finished checking out-which will apparently be sometime between now and her retirement party.  Upon realizing that I'm preoccupied putting bags in the cart, both kids break free and run to the video game area again.  This time, Ben yells, "Mommy, can I?"  I nod "yes."  The total bill comes to over $200, which instantly thrills me.  I can't wait until Mark says, "You spent how much?"  <Apparently, he thinks that supplying a family of 4 with food, soap, and toilet paper should still cost $50 a week>  I load all of the groceries in the car while Lauren is crying, "THIRSTY!!!" and Ben is talking over her, saying,  "Can we go out to lunch?"  

You would think that the worst part was over, wouldn't you?  No...I get home, pull in the garage, and Lauren says, "I want to shut the garage door!"  <she's just learned how to push the button that opens and closes the garage> "NO, I DO!" explains Ben.  A fight erupts.  I open the door to the house, Mooky is barking over and over, Lauren is plugging her ears and crying, and Ben has disappeared.  I haul all $200 worth of groceries into the house and hear Ben say, "I'm hungry, can you fix me some lunch?"  "THIRSTY!!!"  yells Lauren.  "BARK, BARK, BARK!" says Mooky.  

And this is what a typical trip to the grocery is like for me.  To be fair, it might be just me.  My kids might be the most ill-behaved children of all time in a grocery store.  However, judging by the twitch I see in other parents' eyes, it's not just me.  Kids are awful at the store!  This is why I shop at 10:00 at night or on my lunch hour!  I can't take all those dirty looks!